Thursday, March 29, 2007
The Day Aaron Spelling was my Boss
A few years ago, I got called by an agency who had my headshot on file from my less-than-successful audition for the cinematic masterpiece "Battlefield Earth". They liked my beard (I've had it a while now), and asked me to come down to the set for a pilot for an "exciting, supernatural hospital drama" series called "All Souls".
I arrived for my 6:30 AM call early, and discovered coffee and bagels. And I didn't even have to pay for them! That's why films are getting more and more expensive to shoot. They blow the budget on bagels (I could have easily eaten $100 000 000 worth on a six-week shoot). Not only did I get bagels, but as a "featured extra", I'd receive standard union pay (but alas, no union membership, as I had to sign a waiver for the credit. That golden egg had to wait.) That came to a whopping $365 to eat bagels and stand around.
There were lots of talented, expensive people on the shoot. The director, sound guys, camera guys, guys that help the sound and camera guys, wardrobe people and continuity people with Polaroid cameras (in cast that blood stain on my shirt moved between shots), lighting people, guy to operate the spinning camera crane, caterers (I'll get to that later), second assistant director, third assistant director, rat wrangler, and actors getting paid even more than me to do even less than me. In a few more years, even home videos will have to be financed by dentists and the mob.
Everyone knows that filming a TV show or movie is mostly dead time. And thank God for the unions who make sure that you get paid 5 times what a teacher or policeman make in a day to sit around and eat bagels. Oh, and since everyone on the outside is fooled into thinking that film making is glamorous work, the people involved also tend to think of themselves as being something special, like they are curing a blood disease or stopping global warming. But I digress.
The morning went smoothly enough. I ate a bagel, got made up, put into costume, and started to wait. After waiting for a while, I ate another bagel, and took a break from waiting by taking a walk. But not too far, in case they might need you. They need you to wait. Then, I got led from what resembled a holding pen for deranged criminals, I was let to the set. It was hot, cramped, and looked like a dungeon made of Styrofoam. This was apparently the set for a TV movie filmed a week previous. I guess they have to cut corners somewhere.
Then I met the director. I very sweet guy who immediately recognised me as the one cast as "Huge Orderly", and proceeded to direct me. He told me I'd be grabbing a guy from behind a chloroforming him with a rag. Sounds pretty damn cool. After waiting for a while, it was time to shoot. The "wounded Civil War soldier" on the table I recognised as Jennifer Love Hewitt's gay friend from the Audry Hepburn mini-series they had shot recently in Montreal. He had to audition and do two callbacks in order to lay on a table and thrash about while we put a rat inside his prosthetic gut. Mmmmm. The latex was well done, so I didn't need to act disgusted. The director even complimented me on my performance. "I'm ready for the lead in your next series" is what I should have responded. "Ummm, thanks." is what came out. I need to work on that.
Then came the big chloroform scene. But wait, who is that skinny dude with bad teeth doing that part? I though the role was "Huge Orderly", not "Bad-toothed Orderly". It turns out the director was mistaken. If he had cast the show himself, he would have picked me. But God forbid should a unionised actor with bad teeth go without work. So the director had to make do with the skinny dude.
At lunch, I pulled up a tray and made myself comfy among the "artistes". I don't remember what we ate, I just remember it was delicious. And thank God no one relised I was but an extra (though a featured one on a union voucher), or else I would have had to eat the processed cheese sandwiches my colleagues were eating on the other side of the fence (Yes, talent and extras don't mix. Union rules). But for a brief moment, I got to convince myself I was amongst the elite. The "Chosen Ones" of the entertainment industry, with a talent so huge, it's as if the Gods themselves pulled them from the womb and bestowed the golden chalice upon them.
Actually, this was a series that lasted a total of six episodes, and barely even got shown in America before dissolving into the mire. The actors were either very pretty, (and lucky to be having the career they are having, considering that talent and skill are not prerequisites), or highly-trained theatre actors working waaaay below their level, who are lucky to scratch out a living with one-liners (with leading actors who often can't even remember their one-liners).
I finally got to see the final result (thank God for YouTube!).
Click above and scan to the 6:41 mark, and you will see me, 7 years ago, stuffed full of Bagels.
Ironically enough, the "huge orderly" only got his hand in the shot, whereas I got my face on network TV. See, I DO have talent! I can stand around and do nothing with the best of them.
I went home that night with bagels in my backpack, and a cheque rubber-stamped with the name of none other than Aaron Spelling. Oh the glory, the drama. The horror. The horror...
A few years ago, I got called by an agency who had my headshot on file from my less-than-successful audition for the cinematic masterpiece "Battlefield Earth". They liked my beard (I've had it a while now), and asked me to come down to the set for a pilot for an "exciting, supernatural hospital drama" series called "All Souls".
I arrived for my 6:30 AM call early, and discovered coffee and bagels. And I didn't even have to pay for them! That's why films are getting more and more expensive to shoot. They blow the budget on bagels (I could have easily eaten $100 000 000 worth on a six-week shoot). Not only did I get bagels, but as a "featured extra", I'd receive standard union pay (but alas, no union membership, as I had to sign a waiver for the credit. That golden egg had to wait.) That came to a whopping $365 to eat bagels and stand around.
There were lots of talented, expensive people on the shoot. The director, sound guys, camera guys, guys that help the sound and camera guys, wardrobe people and continuity people with Polaroid cameras (in cast that blood stain on my shirt moved between shots), lighting people, guy to operate the spinning camera crane, caterers (I'll get to that later), second assistant director, third assistant director, rat wrangler, and actors getting paid even more than me to do even less than me. In a few more years, even home videos will have to be financed by dentists and the mob.
Everyone knows that filming a TV show or movie is mostly dead time. And thank God for the unions who make sure that you get paid 5 times what a teacher or policeman make in a day to sit around and eat bagels. Oh, and since everyone on the outside is fooled into thinking that film making is glamorous work, the people involved also tend to think of themselves as being something special, like they are curing a blood disease or stopping global warming. But I digress.
The morning went smoothly enough. I ate a bagel, got made up, put into costume, and started to wait. After waiting for a while, I ate another bagel, and took a break from waiting by taking a walk. But not too far, in case they might need you. They need you to wait. Then, I got led from what resembled a holding pen for deranged criminals, I was let to the set. It was hot, cramped, and looked like a dungeon made of Styrofoam. This was apparently the set for a TV movie filmed a week previous. I guess they have to cut corners somewhere.
Then I met the director. I very sweet guy who immediately recognised me as the one cast as "Huge Orderly", and proceeded to direct me. He told me I'd be grabbing a guy from behind a chloroforming him with a rag. Sounds pretty damn cool. After waiting for a while, it was time to shoot. The "wounded Civil War soldier" on the table I recognised as Jennifer Love Hewitt's gay friend from the Audry Hepburn mini-series they had shot recently in Montreal. He had to audition and do two callbacks in order to lay on a table and thrash about while we put a rat inside his prosthetic gut. Mmmmm. The latex was well done, so I didn't need to act disgusted. The director even complimented me on my performance. "I'm ready for the lead in your next series" is what I should have responded. "Ummm, thanks." is what came out. I need to work on that.
Then came the big chloroform scene. But wait, who is that skinny dude with bad teeth doing that part? I though the role was "Huge Orderly", not "Bad-toothed Orderly". It turns out the director was mistaken. If he had cast the show himself, he would have picked me. But God forbid should a unionised actor with bad teeth go without work. So the director had to make do with the skinny dude.
At lunch, I pulled up a tray and made myself comfy among the "artistes". I don't remember what we ate, I just remember it was delicious. And thank God no one relised I was but an extra (though a featured one on a union voucher), or else I would have had to eat the processed cheese sandwiches my colleagues were eating on the other side of the fence (Yes, talent and extras don't mix. Union rules). But for a brief moment, I got to convince myself I was amongst the elite. The "Chosen Ones" of the entertainment industry, with a talent so huge, it's as if the Gods themselves pulled them from the womb and bestowed the golden chalice upon them.
Actually, this was a series that lasted a total of six episodes, and barely even got shown in America before dissolving into the mire. The actors were either very pretty, (and lucky to be having the career they are having, considering that talent and skill are not prerequisites), or highly-trained theatre actors working waaaay below their level, who are lucky to scratch out a living with one-liners (with leading actors who often can't even remember their one-liners).
I finally got to see the final result (thank God for YouTube!).
Click above and scan to the 6:41 mark, and you will see me, 7 years ago, stuffed full of Bagels.
Ironically enough, the "huge orderly" only got his hand in the shot, whereas I got my face on network TV. See, I DO have talent! I can stand around and do nothing with the best of them.
I went home that night with bagels in my backpack, and a cheque rubber-stamped with the name of none other than Aaron Spelling. Oh the glory, the drama. The horror. The horror...
